“How Do YOU Connect?”
by Michael Love
After much discussion, you and your partner have decided to open your relationship. Through much negotiation you’ve worked out boundaries, and established rules that you both feel comfortable with; you have everything in place except… now you must figure out how you will meet people. Long before you have to deal with the insecurities and jealousies (the most daunting challenge we all face) you first must contend with the conundrum of actually getting out and meeting people. This can be very difficult for some…
There are many different channels that can be used to connect with other people. There are online dating sites, such as OKCupid, that are now offering non-monogamous relationship status options. Many of these sites offer free membership with limited functionality, and the ability to create elaborate profiles and questions you can answer that will increase the likelihood of a more perfect match based on personality profiles etc.
There are lifestyle specific websites for people who are non-monogamous as well. Sites like Quiver.us, Kasidie.com and Swinglifestyles are more specifically designed for those of us open-minded people, and offer private galleries for sharing sexier photos, and offer a local membership search of people who are also looking for non-monogamous connections.
There are also Facebook groups and Meetup groups for people who might be looking for more in their connections. There are a lot of support groups for polyamory, and social groups like the Frisky Friends who specialize in forming events where people can meet more organically.
Of course, there are also the local sex clubs and swingers clubs that offer not only a place to meet other like-minded people, but also a place where sexy activities can happen.
These are all great suggestions… but how do you actually MEET people?
I have found this to be the greatest challenge. Attraction is a funny thing… that person you’re attracted to might not be attracted to you… they are attracted to someone else… who may not be attracted to them… and so on and so on… I’ve seen this played out so many times in my years. It can lead to a very frustrating experience for some of us.
I’ve personally had a recent experience that reminds me just how simple it is to connect with people… it comes down to a simple rule… have no expectations.
It is critical, whether you’re going to meet someone you’ve met online, or whether you’re just going to a club in hopes of meeting someone, or just “hooking up”… leave your expectations for the night at home. If you go with a game plan, there is a very high likelihood that you will come home disappointed. I will give you a personal example… A recent reminder…
When my girlfriend and I started dating two years ago, I learned she is Bisexual, and she was excited to explore the club and the lifestyle with me to find a sexy female play partner. So many times we would go to the club hoping to find someone to connect with, only to come home unsuccessful. It’s hard to say we were disappointed because we always had each other, but that quest to connect with someone always left us wanting. We couldn’t figure out why we were having such a hard time.
I think our problem lies in two critical failings. One… we came to the club with a mission and a specific thing we were looking for. We would sometimes have tunnel vision, where we could miss other opportunities because they didn’t fit what we were looking for.
The other way we were failing was we were walking around the club, not really talking to anyone. The people we were attracted to, we felt intimidated to talk to. So we just kind of wandered around and observed and never really TALKED to anyone, and HOPED someone would come and talk to us.
A few weeks ago we were at the club… it had been a very busy month, and we were happy to just have a night out. I wasn’t really even feeling up to going out at all, but it was really the only opportunity we had in a VERY busy month. So we went, but my plan was to go, hang out, eat some food, have a few drinks, and have some sexy fun with my girl. I wasn’t really feeling up to the hunt.
We settled in, got our drinks, and were just hanging in the dining area. I had noticed a woman sitting at one of the tables next to us. She was incredibly beautiful, blond, slender figure, high cheekbones (maybe Russian or eastern European features)… she looked nervous, which came across as being a little unapproachable… I immediately thought she was WAY out of my league (my first mistake… dumb, I know).
A few minutes later she was joined by another woman a few years younger, but equally beautiful. There were no male partners anywhere nearby, so I figured these ladies were friends or sisters, or mother/daughter… something… it never occurred to me to step up and talk to them. Because… you know… out of my league and stuff…
Then the younger of the two women compliments my girlfriend on her “dress” which is really a very short babydoll nightie… but totally fitting for the club. She admired her bravery for feeling confident enough to wear it…. And with that tiny little opening we suddenly we found ourselves in conversation with these two incredibly beautiful women. It turns out they are new to the club and are actually best friends who had only recently started exploring a sexier side of their friendship. It was pretty clear fairly quickly that they were there to play with each other and soak up the sexy atmosphere, which worked for me because I was in a rare mood where I wasn’t really “seeking it.” We sat and visited for an hour or more… just chatting about their story, and talking about the club and the lifestyle. Just small talk… nothing more. After a while, we parted ways, with good impressions of each other, and went on about our business.
We saw them later… they were fending off a couple of guys who were pursuing them fairly aggressively. Not in an inappropriate kind of way… just… persistent and clearly interested. (Can you blame them?)
Later that evening we found ourselves on the third floor. The two ladies had found us, and were chatting us up, and sticking pretty close. I think we had become their “safe zone,” and there was a gentleman who was tagging along pretty close.
A little later we went back to check out the action in the couples’ area and they tagged along. It was packed and maybe a little overwhelming… and finally, the two ladies decided to grab one of the semi-private rooms to play… we were excited to get to watch the show that was about to unfold. Then suddenly… “Would you two like to join us?”
The details of what happened after that are not relevant to this story… what is important was that we came into this situation without expectation. We just met these people, engaged in friendly and non-aggressive conversation and just got to know them in a way that wasn’t oppressive or overly aggressive, and got an invite to join in on play that I wouldn’t have in a million years ever expected.
I don’t know why this is a surprise to me, it’s certainly not the first time something like this has happened to me, but it is perhaps one of the most rewarding…
I think about other times where I’ve connected with strangers, and just about every single time it has been the result of some kind of social interaction, that led to attraction, that led to… other things.
I think for all of us… the end game is sexy time with people we like… but I think it is easy to fall into that trap of being too focused on the goal, the expectation, and we forget to enjoy the process. I really think the key to being truly happy in this lifestyle is to enjoy the social aspect of it, to make THAT your primary mission. Focus on making social connections and enjoy the fruits of that connection if and when they come.